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5.05.2013

held

Ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right?  When everything, even the smallest thing has you on the verge of tears?  When you just feel lousy all day?

I have them from time to time.

My littlest had one recently too.


For some unknown reason, he woke up on the weepy side of the bed that morning and from the second his eyes opened, he was on the verge of melting down all day.  Getting in the van to go to church, stopping at our favorite Mediterranean place for a quick lunch, choosing a game to play on the Wii...all were close calls with the tearful side.

Later that afternoon I ran to the grocery with my big girl for some rare one on one time.  While I was gone he reached his breaking point.  Ian said he had spent much of the time crying over the simplest things and eventually took himself to his room to "let it all out."


I wanted to hold him and try to quiet his heart, but in the moment he wasn't looking for consolation and brushed me off, preferring to sulk in his sorrows.  Hating to see him in that state of mind, I simply scooped him in my arms, despite his initial protests, and went to sit on the couch.  Ever so slowly the full body heaving sobs gave way to tears which eventually passed into sniffles.  As each stage subsided, I felt his little body relax and then before I knew it, he was sound asleep.


I closed my eyes and soaked in the moment...holding a sleeping child in your arms, this is really good stuff in this crazy role of motherhood.  Sure I had about 50 things that I could have been doing...laundry, meal planning, house work...but right then meeting the emotional needs of my child took top priority.  For that 45 minutes as I held him, drifting in and out of sleep myself, there was nowhere else that I wanted to be.


And just before he woke up, as I held him close, feeling the rhythm of his heart beating, and listening to Ian and the big kids doing experiments with eggs in the kitchen, I was washed again in the goodness of understanding the father's love for me.  I reflected on how He calmed my heart just a few days earlier in the midst of my struggling to hold it together as we wait for Natalie.

Just as I wanted nothing more in that moment to comfort and hold my child, so God wanted nothing more than to hold me in the midst of one of my tough days...it's what He wants in any of my tough days.


But lately, instead of stopping to rest in Him, to be held in His peace, I have pushed away with my distractions, with all I see in front of me that I feel I need to take care of.  What I just needed to do in those times is slow myself and be willing to be held.

Just as Daniel eventually calmed when he submitted to being held in my arms, so my soul was restored when I trusted Him and sought His peace instead of trying to manage on my own.

Now just to remember that lesson the next time my heart is troubled...

[Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. 4) Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.]  Isaiah 46:3-4 NIV

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I find it fitting that the same day He spoke into my heart and calmed my anxieties during this mind-numbing wait to get Natalie home is the day that our dossier was logged into the system.  We just found out that our log in date (LID) is April 25.  

Now we wait for our letter of acceptance (LOA ~ the official notice from her government that we will be allowed to adopt her).  This stage of waiting is currently running anywhere from 30 to 90 days.  At that point we reapply with the US immigration to ask for permission to bring Natalie into the country to become a US citizen.  From there the US consulate in China gets involved to give preliminary permission for her to receive a visa to enter the US upon her adoption.  And then we wait for our invitation to travel.  Best guess at this point is travel in 14 to 18 weeks.  Ever closer...

6 comments:

likeschocolate said...

Poor guy! I am so happy you were able to just be with him and comfort him.

Grandma Shultz said...

A good lesson for all of us. Sometimes we do need to lean into our sorrows or fears and let God enfold us with His ever present arms. I often resist just as Daniel did but His love finally embraces me and I can become calm in His tender care.

There is nothing like holding a sleeping child. If we feel that way -can we even imagine how God feels when we slow down and let Him hold us?

Jennifer Taylor said...

This spoke to me and moved me to tears. Today has been that day for me. So many emotions and trying to rely on myself instead of Him. Praying for you as you wait and for sweet Daniel.

Traci said...

Peace... :)

Nancy B W said...

Love this post... love snuggles with sleeping boys... love how God is speaking to your mama's heart... love that you have a LID!

Our Journey to China said...

God is so good! E had a day like this last week. Thank you for the gentle reminder that it is ok when I have a day, week, or more like this as well. God's love is boundless and I thank our Heavenly Father for kindred hearts and family through Him to remind us of Him. Praying for mama, sweet Natalie and Mr. Daniel today. :)