How's it REALLY going?

The good, the bad, and the ugly... (I'm posting this because one day I hope that I'll look back and think, "Really? It really was that rough?" and because I want others to know that perhaps they aren't the only ones feeling this way).

The good ~ We're home settling into life together. Caleb is starting to pick up a few words and will actually eat a few foods other than Oodles of Noodles. Kylie tells everyone that she likes being a big sister. Caleb now hugs Ian when he sees him and actually allowed his daddy to soothe him back to sleep when he woke up the other night. Yesterday shortly after nap the kids and I were snuggling on her bed and she said, "Mommy, we all fit on here. We're fam-a-lee!"

The bad ~ Ian's project has had him working RIDICULOUS hours this week. I've seen him go from hopeful, to despairing, to cautiously optimistic, back to doubtful and now back to thinking it is promising that the demo will be finished for the conference so many times this week that I've stopped counting. (And for those that know Ian and his sunny disposition well, you can imagine why it is hard for me to see him emotionally all over the map when I'm so tired!) We lost track of the hours he had worked after Tuesday when he had already put in 27 hours in the first two days of the workweek. This means that instead of being at home "nesting" together like we did the first week when Kylie was home, Ian leaves early in the morning (at least the kids eat breakfast with him while I shower) and we drive 20 minutes to meet him for dinner near his office so that Caleb won't forget who his daddy is this week. Then both kiddos have been falling asleep in the car on the way back, explaining why they missed bath time Monday and Tuesday nights. Last night Ian's whole team worked until after 2am and we didn't even get to have dinner with him. The earliest he has been home has been midnight ~ even I'm asleep by then. (Actually I've been going to bed as soon as I get the kids tucked in ~ Tuesday it was at 8:15...) Tomorrow he leaves for Texas until Wednesday night.

The ugly ~ Ever since Kylie came home, (it will have been 21 months ago on Sunday) folks ~ including us ~ have commented on what an easy child she was. We joked as we started the paper chase that eventually led us to Caleb that child number 2 was bound to be a handful. NEVER in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that it would actually be Kylie that became the handful. I will cut her some slack and point out that in the past month she has watched me pack up our home, she's moved across the state, she's watched as bags have been packed for a big trip, has crossed 12 time zones to be in a foreign land, has been demoted as baby of the family, recrossed those time zones, visited at Grandma's house only to have that visit cut short, and is now sharing pretty much just one parent with a pint sized dynamo. (And I suppose that those changes have been just about enough to make me want to curl up in the fetal position...) That being said though, screaming temper tantrums have become the norm and she can be sitting playing calmly with Caleb one minute and suddenly just grab his hand with hers and dig her fingernails into his for no reason the next. Another of my favorites was when he was playing quietly with a toy and she came over to grab it from him. He started crying because she took the toy, so she hauled off and whacked him one. And then there are the crying fits that he goes into when we tell him no. Combine that with the jet lag that I'm still trying to shake and it's been a dreadful week.

It did start to get better though when I realized that I'm feeling two distinct things that clash with one another. I'm so totally in love with that little boy that has been my son for less than three weeks, but I'm also somewhat mourning what Kylie and I lost. I feel like a horrible person for even putting those thoughts down. Can the two feelings both exist? Will either of my kids feel like I love them less one day if they read this post?

And yet once I started to recognize those feelings, I've started to move on. I can see the reason behind my bleak emotions and I'm starting to process them. In addition, I'm feeling more rested, the kids both slept all night last night, and there have been fewer Caleb/Kylie fights today (though Kylie had a moment with Lottie earlier ~ but they were fighting like sisters before Caleb entered the picture). Also thankfully my mom has agreed to come help me out while Ian is gone. For a while I thought I was going to be a "big girl" and pull it off by myself, but I came to my senses and realized that the woman who raised me is going to be a wealth of assistance while Ian is away.

I've already posted this picture once, but I look at it hundreds of times a day waiting for this interaction between Kylie and Caleb to become our "normal."

So there you go, there's our first week home in a nutshell ~ it ain't necessarily pretty, but the best things in life don't come easy!