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10.18.2010

Mixed Emotions {UPDATE}

**This is mostly taken from my most recent contribution to No Hands But Ours.  I just haven't had time to be on the keyboard this weekend, but wanted family and friends of Darcy's to be praying this morning...**

In a few hours this morning my beautiful girl will have her first appointment with the laser surgeon.  The procedure itself will last less than fifteen minutes from the time anesthesia starts until I'm called back to recovery.  Much less complicated and involved than the two eye surgeries she's had so far.

And yet I find myself in much more inner turmoil about this appointment.


First of all, here's the discomfort factor.  I've been told by other moms that it simply ranges for different kids.  Some take Tylenol after the procedure and are fine.  Others have been prescribed heavy pain meds.   My girl seems to have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but sometimes I still wonder if she really is 'tough stuff' or if it is still that sense self reliance rearing its ugly head.  I cringe to think that she'd maybe rather be in pain than fully count on me to help make it go away.

But far beyond the discomfort, there's the message that I'm afraid at some point that she may interpret out of what seems to be cosmetic surgery.

That's the part I dread.  That she may misunderstand why.  Before she is old enough to fully comprehend the surgery, will she think that I didn't think she was beautiful enough?  Because she is!  Will she think that each time I've stroked that little red cheek that I haven't meant it when I said, 'piao liang' (beautiful)?  Because I have!  Is there a possibility that she'll interpret our decision to move forward with treatment as an effort to 'fix her face?'  Because that's not what it's about!

I'm struggling here.  This is often considered an elective surgery.  (Though it isn't really in her case).  And it will at the very least will be itchy and uncomfortable.  I also know it will cause small, circular, purple bruises all over the right side of my baby girl's body.  I realize it likely will draw even more attention to her birthmark.  (Temporary attention as the bruises will fade within two weeks or so, but attention none-the-less).   A birthmark she's so sensitive about that it caused her to hide her face from us the day we met her. 

If there were a way that I could shield her from the harsh days of middle school, or even curious adults who have asked insensitive questions in front of her, we would likely skip the number of treatments it will take before Dr. B thinks the port wine stain is as faded, but more importantly, as thin as it will get.  If there were guarantees that over the years the stain wouldn't thicken and cause vision issues from swelling of the eyelid or breathing issues as it covered her darling little nose, we wouldn't be hitting the road to Duke in just a few minutes.

But middle school is coming.  And while we can tolerate kids asking questions, it's hard to grit my teeth and answer adults in a loving manner.  There is also the very strong likelihood that she'll have vision or breathing issues when she is a young adult because where her birthmark is located.

So off we head, with my emotions in turmoil. 

Because in my eyes, she is absolutely beautiful.  Just as she is right now.  I don't see her port wine stain.  (For that matter, neither do most of the people who know and love her)  It simply isn't possible for me (or them) to focus on it at all.  I can't get past her smile...


We're home.  Thanks for all of you who have called, texted, emailed, or commented.  Darcy remained her calm, cool, collected self for most of the time we were at Duke this morning.  She got slightly apprehensive when we went back into the prep room.  I'm guessing she remembered being in a room like that for her eye surgeries.  But the great nursing staff, anesthesia team, and Dr. B's PA put her at ease quickly, by asking her questions about her family and allowing her to select her favorite scent of chapstick to make the anesthesia smell better.  
In all, we were there for less than an hour and fifteen minutes, and most of that time was waiting for her to come out of the anesthesia.  She did wake up crying in pain.  Apparently despite our best efforts ~ constantly slathering her in SPF 50 when we are outdoors ~ she had too much of a tan on her arm and there is some blistering on her right arm.  A few of the blisters popped when she was struggling as she woke up and are causing pain.  That part still hurts and we'd appreciate prayers that the pain will subside and that there will be no scarring on her arm from them.  She does say though that her face, neck, and chest aren't bothering her.  
It's true, her precious little face is covered in little purple polka dots on the right side.  It's odd looking, but not as bad as I anticipated.  (Perhaps it's because she could have green polka dots all over and I'd still think she was beautiful).  On way home she and I talked about them and she thought the ones she could see on her arm were pretty cool ~ purple is her favorite color after all!  When we arrived at my dear friend's house to pick up the 'big kids' I asked Darcy if she wanted to stay in the car or if she wanted to come inside.  She looked at me like I was nuts and said she wanted to go in and see her friends.  We stopped to look in the mirror just before and she smiled at herself, said "I like purple." and moved on.  
And her brother and sister rock!  Kylie's first response was, "Hey Darcy, your polka dots are cool.  I think you look beautiful!"  Caleb's was, "What dots?"  Gotta love him!
So we're home, taking it easy after a VERY full weekend.  I guess we'll take it one day at a time on heading out into public.  Today, in the shelter of people she knows and loves, it seems that she's unfazed.  We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

28 comments:

Leslie said...

Praying for you and little Darcy today. I hope everything goes smoothly and that she's not in much pain afterward. You are an amazing mother, Kristi!

Stacey said...

I really appreciate you sharing your feelings. I have felt the same about my daughter and her PWS birthmark. She is beautiful the way she is. Why would I want to continue with laser treatments? I hope she understands my motive and I hope she knows how beautiful she is. Darcy is certainly beautiful the way she is too. I hope everything goes well and the treatments aren't too painful for her.

Stefanie said...

Praying!!
Keep us posted :)

Laurie said...

Perfect reason to blog.... later in life she'll be able to read where your heart was today... and it will assure her that she was loved JUST AS SHE IS but that you wanted the best for her. Let us know how she's recovering, okay?

The Ferrill's said...

Praying this morning Kristi!

Michelle said...

Praying for your sweet little Darcy. She is so beautiful and I pray for no pain for her.

Our Journey said...

Praying for you & Darcy!

Rachelle said...

Prayers.

Donna said...

Sending love, hugs, and prayers. Keep us posted!

Ally said...

She is beautiful!!!!! I will be praying for you all this morning. (((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Angela said...

Praying for you and your sweet girl.

Nicole said...

Praying for all of you!
Beautiful girl, beautifully written post!

Kathy said...

Darcy is such a beautiful little girl - I love her so much just like she is; I understand your struggle and my heart goes out to you, Darcy, her siblings and daddy. It is a difficult decision but I know in my heart you are doing the right thing - I pray Darcy will understand. My prayers go with you now and later.
Love, NaiNai

Grandma Shultz said...

Praying for our beautiful little doll. She has such a precious spirit. I know that God will take this and make something beautiful out of the whole situation. Will continue to pray for all of you until all of the procedures are over.

Traci said...

Darcy you are beautiful inside and out. I definitley forget about your PWS. The only thing I see when I look at you is your sweet gentle spirit that makes me grin from ear to ear! You have such a passionate little heart! One which I have no doubt will change the world one day! You have already changed mine! :)

Laine said...

Praise God that the first procedure is DONE...praying her pain will subside quickly on her little arm!
I love Kylie and Caleb's reaction! And Darcy has that attitude that we ALL need....oh how God wants us to come to Him like little children...thank you Darcy for reminding us all of what is truly important!
We love you Darcy!
Kristi we'll continue to hold her up in the next few days and weeks of recovery....

Andrea said...

I'm partial to purple polka dots myself. So glad she is doing well and will pray for the pain from the blisters to subside.

Cindy M said...

Well, yeah, purple is kinda cool...BUT, goodness, could she have a better mom to get her through this??? Um, nope, doubt it...

And she IS absolutely darling, inside and out. I adore that photo of her! It totally captures her spirit.

AND how cool are your kids? They are just awesome. Give them all a hug and a kiss from us!

Now, excuse me, but I gotta run...I have some ladybug tutus calling my name. :)

Gwen said...

I'm glad things went well this morning. I can totally relate to your feelings about Darcy's surgery.
I've had similar thoughts and concerns regarding Sarah's lip revision (scheduled for when she turns 4).
Will be praying for a quick recovery!

Heather said...

Sounds like she is handling it well. Gosh, she is so cute! Her smile is huge. What a beauty!

Kathy said...

I'm sorry Darcy was in pain - I pray it is better by now. I hope this process will get easier now that the first step is over and it won't be such a big unknown. The kids were so understanding and loving - what a crew!! I will keep praying that the next few days are uneventful.
Love, NaiNai

Lindy said...

In Darcy's case, this is not elective surgery. You should feel confident that you are doing what is best for her. She already knows you think she is beautiful.

Annie said...

So glad it is over and she is doind well. I had the same apprehension about Lizzie's hand surgeries. I loved her little hands just the way they were but knew it was the best decision for her. Darcy will know that too:)

Nancy said...

Wow, that is one amazing little girl! I like purple too !

Sharon said...

Hey friend...I some how missed Darcy was having a treatment and am not quite sure when she had it....today or yesterday I think..??
We will one day struggle with the same thing..up until now all Hud's surgeries have been essential (and even yesterday in recovery I wished we hadn't....) but after the next big one they become more cosemetic to a degree. I know several cleft kids eventually ask to stop having them and if Hud's chooses to stop we will let him. He has such small nasal passages his breathing is compromised at times which is why this one was a tough one to go into BUT....one thing at a time right? LOVE that her polka dots were purple..thanks God...
I will be praying for her the next few days, pain control and venturing out...your doing an awesome job mom!!!! she IS so beautiful!!

Our Journey to China said...

Kristi, we are praying for sweet, sweet Darcy and for you guys too. Kylie and Caleb are the best!! We love you all!!!!

Tina Michelle said...

Oh that mommy guilt just gets ya! I think she will understand just fine why you went ahead with the surgery.Having it done now and time to heal before having to worry about school and stuff is better. Now she can truly relax and not worry about catching up on school work while she heals. Making sure this birthmark will not impair her vision or breathing is more important. SHe is so cute. I love seeing her little smile. Her eyes seem to twinkle. Love the older kids' responses!!

Wife of the Pres. said...

Late to comment but continued prayers that she is continuing to do well polka dots and all! I just love it.

Your post from NHBO was amazing. I am having trouble with blogger comments. I tried but it didn't go through. I have no idea why this is happening...doesn't happen on blogs where comments are not moderated. Maybe I'm on a watch list?!;)

Off to read about your new guy!