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10.30.2009

One of those bad days

If you came for a "warm, fuzzy" post about life in our house today, you may want to skip this post and wait for one another day. I try to maintain a positive outlook, but today my heart is heavy. Simply said, it is one of those tough days in adopting. Thankfully these really tough days are far outweighed by good ones, great ones, and outstanding ones, but when the tough ones come they can hit hard.

Here's the skinny. This week we got a surprise blessing. (A blessing has me down? Hang with me for a minute, you'll see...) I found a charity that had a medical mission team in China for the past two weeks. Of the 22 Provinces currently recognized, they were visiting the one Darcy lives in. And of that province, they were visiting HER children's welfare institute. And of the nearly 300 kids who live there, they actually saw 139 other kids AND my daughter.

Talk about a needle in a haystack! And not only did they see her, but they had asked for the director's permission to share photos with waiting parents and we got not one, but THREE pictures of our girl taken LAST WEEK!!! And better yet, we got notes on her personality and general health. Overall she is in great shape! She was described as "cooperative and attractive" and that she was not on any medications at all. (Due to one of the potential complications with her medical history, that was such a relief!) We were elated of the news.

We decided to send our old pediatrician (Dr. D in the Charlotte area who reviewed her file for us before we decided to pursue her adoption) the newest picture (it is the highest resolution photo we've had yet) and information we had to keep him in the loop. He in turn passed it along to two different specialists as he wanted us to have the best information possible.

This morning I heard back from Dr. D who had heard back from one of the specialists. (I'm purposefully staying vague here to protect Darcy's privacy). And what I read brought me to tears. Essentially one of the potential complications ~ this one dealing with her vision in one of her eyes ~ is very likely beginning to manifest. And left untreated over a period of time (can't find any definitive time amounts, but point is we're losing time here) it can cause irreversible damage. Nothing that could possibly make me love her any less, but something that will be another difficult thing for her to deal with in life that could be prevented with simple medication. And she's currently not even been tested for the complication ~ nor has she even been "flagged" to be tested. And worse yet, there's nothing that I can do but pray that we'll get there quickly, before permanent damage has been done.

And then thinking about the fact that due to lack of resources, my sweet girl is probably just one of many from her CWI, with others like her at the 18 other CWIs in her province that hers oversees, with others like them at the hundreds of CWIs across her vast country, with others like them all at thousands of orphan care centers around our world that have issues that could easily and rather inexpensively (by our American middle class standards) be prevented or fixed. And in that light the problem seems so gargantuan, so much bigger than just getting my daughter home so we can treat the problem before it is too late. How can I begin to make a dent in the crisis that affects over 147 million beautiful children on our planet?

What I want to do is crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. And yet the day goes on. I have two precious children who will soon awaken from naps that don't need to be burdened to that level with the troubles of the world. So I'll dry my eyes, put on my game face, and get lost in the smiles that snuggle time brings with my children that are here with me today. I'll take deep breaths of their sweet baby smell, delight in their giggles as I tickle their bellies, and drink in their precious, innocent beauty.

And yet a small part of my mind will stay with my other sweet girl and dream of the day that she's here too...

24 comments:

Jenn said...

Oh Kristi....

I'm praying for you. The not knowing is the worst. And the dreaming up of what could be is worser still. Karleigh Mei's referral picture, and then the pictures from updates, gave me a lot to be concerned with.

Cling to Jesus and the sweet promises He whispers in your ear! He has His hand on her and all of the others.

Oh those sweet others... weeping with you.

Hugs,
Jenn

Ann Marie said...

Kristi, email me and let's chat. We've been where you are...

Hugs.

Gavin's Family said...

I'm so sorry your day tunred out this way.
By the way you are entitled to share real life, not just the positive happenings.
I will lift your little girl up in my prays before the Heavenly Father today.

adoptionroad said...

I just found this quote on the Show Hope blog. It's by Paul Tripp. Sending my love to you friend!

“Waiting on God isn’t about the suspension of meaning and purpose. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn’t simply about what I’ll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I’ll become as I wait. Through the wait He’s changing me, causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom.”

C.C. said...

I know your heart is breaking to not be able to hold Darcy and get her all the medical help she needs right now. I'm so sorry. I'm praying specifically for her paperwork to get processed in some unexplainably fast way.

Michelle said...

I am praying for a super fast wait and for Darcy to get the medical attention she needs.

Blessings,
Michelle

Nicole said...

Let me tell you a story. Our girl was the same. We took her to the eye doctor once we were home. She said, as old as she is, this should have caused permanent damage, but for some reason it didn't, we have caught this JUST IN TIME, and with glasses she will see fine and when she is older, she can do the laser surgery to fix this problem.

WHY? I know God protected our girl till we could get there, get her home, find her the help she needed.

I will pray God protects Darcy the same way. He did for my one, He will do it for her! I know it. I will pray for peace for her Mama till she can get to her girl and see how God took care of her.

You may not be able to make a difference in the lives of 147 million, but you have made a difference to not just one but 3! You have more than done your part! And God loves your heart. Never mind what you just may do in the future. Remember you have a bright future and so do these kids. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.")

The wait isn't easy and I know that first hand. You will have to trust God, which is easier said than done. I know :)

Pam said...

Please know I am praying. Praying for God to protect sweet Darcy's eyesight and praying that your paperwork is processed in record time.

Hugs to you~
Pam

Jess and Tim said...

Kristi & Ian~
Praying each and every day for your paperwork to come through quickly, for quick travels for you to Darcy, and for Darcy. I know that God hears us and is wrapping his arms safely around her. He has a purpose for all things. He led you to her~praise God! Now we just need to pray you to China and bring her home. We traveled with a family whose daughter had a vision need and her need too could come with other complications-they found out a couple of weeks ago that her vision is much better than they thought and glasses are helping her :-) Her SN was also not quite as severe as her medical file stated-it took a really good eye exam to see it! Hang in there and soon she will be with her mama, baba, ge ge, and jie jie!!

Jennifer Barbee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer Barbee said...

Praying for you Kristi - sometimes the burden of all of those precious children is just too overwhelming isn't it? Praying for your sweet Darcy - that her vision would be protected until you have her home!

Laurie said...

Kristi- thanks for sharing so we know how to pray for you and for Darcy. It's so difficult when we have to wait, and when there are unknown factors. It's painful. I am praying you can get to China as soon as possible and get Darcy the treatment she needs. God has already traveled where you're headed. He will guide you each step of the way. Please keep us posted!

Lisa said...

Praying for you, Darcy and all 147 million through tear filled eyes. May God move quickly and may many more people hear their silent cries.

Anna Grace and Andrew's Jie Jie said...

Praying for you! I am so glad you got new pictures of your sweet girl! (We can only get one update with pictures on Andrew until we are in China...SO hard!)

Larry and Carol said...

We will pray specifically for God to act fast AND you & Ian ARE making a dent.

Donna said...

Oh Kristi -
Sending you hugs and many prayers.
The Lord is faithful.
Love you.

Ally said...

We will being little Darcy in our prayers and strength for you and your family. God can do some pretty amazing things! Hang in there and don't let the enemy steal your joy! Sending Big (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Our Journey said...

Oh Kristi -- what a hard day!! Just like Allyson said our God is BIG & can do BIG things!! Please know we'll keep you, the family & Darcy in our thoughts and prayers!

Nancy said...

Oh no, Kristi! I am so sorry. My heart is heavy for you. How frustrating to be in the waiting phase when time is so critical. I'll be praying that things move along quickly so that you can get your little peanut home, especially so she can get the medical attention she needs.

Anonymous said...

Kristi,
I so feel your pain and longing.
We are praying fervently for our sweet Darcy. The wait is brutal, but the result is wondrous! I pray that God's hand of protection will be over Darcy's eyes, and that the paperwork will come extrememly fast. I also pray that God will give you His peace that passes all understanding.
Love you,
Glenda

Cindy M said...

Wish I could give you a hug, pray with you and cry over a bowl of nachos...let's throw in some chocolate for extra measure, too. Little Darcy is so blessed to have parents like you and Ian. And I'm not just saying that.

Remember these are the times that God's glory shines the brightest...when only HE has the power to change things. I know you know that. I know I'll be there, too, one of these days...I'm not sure how I will do, looking at a picture for so long...eight weeks seemed like an eternity.

Okay, this is getting ridiculously long. I will call you THIS WEEK!

Love you, my friend...

Melissa said...

Kristi - please know I am praying for your precious Darcy and for your family. My heart breaks for you, but please know you are lifted up in love and prayer. Darcy is going to be a part of one of the most amazing families who are going to give her all the love in the world. Hang in there!!!

Larisa said...

I am praying for your baby! I know its so hard to be so far away! God's in control though!! He is the ultimate healer!!

Anonymous said...

LOving you and the family today.
Aunt Cici