Another piece in the puzzle

Over the past 24 hours it has occurred to me that there is a detail in our adoption story that to this point has been pretty much only known to Ian and I. It seems like a small one, yet it was crucial in the decision to avoid looking at science to become parents and look instead to the miracle of adoption!

It is no secret that we wanted to be parents LONG before we met Kylie in a hot room in southern China. For a while we stalled out in trying to figure out how to make that happen. Yes, we did go through some dark times with the dreaded "I" word. No, adoption wasn't a last resort, in fact we had considered it within a year after we realized we were having difficulty conceiving. But the thing that scared me back then about adopting was not wondering if I would love the child, rather I wondered if the child would love me.

In that five year period before we decided to adopt, we would go through many cycles of trying to figure out "what was wrong" using modern science, and just deciding that "if it was going to happen it was going to happen." By late spring of 2003 we had the hair brained idea for Ian to pursue a temporary transfer to Grenoble, France so that we could "get away" and refocus on our relationship rather than spend time in despair over being childless.

On our way to the airport the morning we left in early November, we stopped by the hospital to meet my cousin's youngest son who had been born the evening before. Little did I know that when we would return the next spring he would be the catalyst that would lead me to China!

Shortly before we came home, my cousin found herself heading back to work after being a SAM to her three precious kids. I had quit my teaching job in order to go to France, and with some serious time on my hands I offered to provide child care for her until she could get them into a permanent day care setting. The first few weeks of my "Mommy Boot Camp" were hectic compared to the previous six months of my life! I had been used to the relaxed life of meeting my friends at the cafe for coffee, going to my tutor to learn French, shopping in the local farmers market, and spending weekends either skiing in the Alps or taking the train across Europe with Ian to explore. (We weren't able to secure a work VISA for me in France, so I was officially a "Femme de foyer" or woman of the house). Three days after we got back I was suddenly changing multiple diapers a day, fixing breakfast and lunch for three hungry and picky (a frustrating combination for an inexperienced caregiver!) kids, and trying to figure out how to best entertain toddlers during their mom's workday.

The day I started with them, Adam was 4 years & 3 months, Abby was 1 1/2 months short of turning 2, and Andrew was almost 6 months old. It was crazy for a while, but eventually the four of us fell into a rhythm and I found myself quite happy. So anyway, what does that summer have to do with going to China?

After that summer ended I was looking back at some pictures that I took of "the Triple As."

Adam ~ my "little helper" that summer. One of my fondest memories was the day he simply wasn't sleepy at nap time and so I offered to read books and share a piece of C-A-K-E (I spelled it out for him and made him guess what it was) while the little ones slept. The next day when he woke up early from his nap he crawled up on my lap, asked me to read him some books, and questioned if we could have some more "B-O-T" as a snack. I'm not sure where he got "bot" out of "cake," but he was consistent with that spelling for the rest of the summer and it was "our little secret!"
Abby ~ my shadow that summer. I guess right at two is such a critical time for bonding with folks. The first few days were horrible when her mommy left for work, but eventually she loved me almost as much. She was such a snuggler!
And Andrew ~ my little chunk. Even as an infant, you could tell he was going to be an entertainer. He was (and still is) larger than life! He knew who his mommy was, but was content to be held, changed, comforted, and fed by me.

And when I went back to reflect on spending 10 hours a day with those kids, I realized how much I had learned ~ both about keeping up with several kids, and about love. You see, not only did I love them, but I saw that those three, especially Andrew who didn't know me until he was six months old, began to love me too. That was my "Ahah" moment, when I saw that, while it didn't happen overnight, my cousin's kids came to love me. And if her kids could love me after 10 hours a day for a summer, wouldn't my adopted child come to love me after living with me full time?

So while she thinks that I was helping her out that summer, my cousin doesn't realize that SHE (and her beautiful children) was actually helping me! Ian and I got just the nudge we needed at just the right time so that our file ended up in the matching room of the CCAA just when the file of Lian Bao Zhen arrived...