Learning to love dangerously

***Once again, I'm cross posting part of my monthly contribution to No Hands But Ours ~ a website offering support, information, and encouragement for those involved with special needs adoptions.  If you or someone you know is considering an adoption, from any country, special needs or healthy, you really need to check out this resource!  I spent many a nap-time browsing there back in March of 2009...***

Special needs.

There's a whole lot of weight to those two words.

I've written a few times about how having several children with so called "special needs" doesn't define our family.  We have more specialist appointments than some and less than others, but overall the family life of the "M6" is mapped by four active kids that fill our home with hugs, laughter, and the occasional sibling brawl.

For us "special needs" are something easy to forget about.  I often am reminded by our calendar (with trips to Duke or Chapel Hill) and not our daily grind that I have kids who came home via the "special needs" adoption program.  

But sometimes "special needs" can be much more complex.  Life spans can be drastically shorter than normal.  Sometimes it hurts to love for fear of loss.  But that doesn't mean that those kids are less deserving of the love of a family.

I came across this blog entry last month, written by a young woman wise beyond her years, and haven't been able to put it out of my mind yet.  She isn't an adoptive parent herself, but she does have two younger sisters who were born in China and works alongside her family at a foster home outside Beijing.  Read on as Hannah shares her thoughts on loving dangerously...  

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I don’t really have the words to share right here. Paige, the little one whom I called “Pixie,"  passed away Monday morning.




And I’m struggling to wrap my mind around it. It hurts that I wasn’t there for her last few days, and my heart breaks when I realize that she won’t be there when we get back. 




I did write something for her on the ND blog.  Paige, you were so worth it. Even though we only got to love on you for three months, they were wonderful months. You brightened up my day every day. I couldn’t believe how strong you were. I remember telling the nannies that your heart must have been healing on it’s own, because you could do so much! But it wasn’t… or maybe it was.

Sometimes what we strive and pursue healing for is the physical heart, but most times we start with the emotional heart. Paige’s heart condition was dire. Surgery would have been long and hard and the prognosis would likely have been quite grim. She may not have made it.

So maybe Paige didn’t come for her physical heart to be healed. Maybe she came because the rest of her needed healing. She certainly was loved, and sometimes love is all the healing that is needed.

My heart is hurting badly right now. Even though I believe everything that I have written, I still ask, “Why her?” Why, God, did you choose to take Paige? But I know that he is good. He’s shown me over and over and over and over that HE IS GOOD. And as long as I remember that, I won’t let the hurt and the pain consume me.

We’re going to be bringing in other tough cases like Paige in the future, I’m sure. Maybe even babies who’s hearts are in worse condition than hers. That’s going to be so incredibly hard. Loving dangerously is something that I thought I learned how to do, but now I realize that I have barely touched the surface of it’s vastness. It’s a painful lesson, but one that I know will be so good for me.

…looks like I did have some words.