I have four children. Four "...wonderfully and fearfully made..." children. [Psalm 139:14] Each unique, each precious, each bursting with a different personality.
And right now I have pictures galore (thanks both to my trusty Canon and Daniel's foster home) of all of them.
But despite great cameras, my pictures look like this...
Or like this...
Yeah, yeah, great pictures. But it takes two separate pictures to showcase them all. And therein lies the problem. No matter how great the shots (and adorable the subjects!), there's nothing that I can do today to get all four of them in the same frame.
(Well, not without some creative editing anyway.
It's just not a real happy feeling to have one of your kids across the ocean. Even if he is currently in the care of an amazing facility. Even if I get monthly reports that tell of his personality, likes, and growth. Even if frequently I've found his precious face in pictures in the foster home scrapbook. (If you know where to look, go to their website and check out the scrapbook feature ~ some DARLING ones of him at the zoo in the Roar-ific Time album)
Fact is, he's not here. And all of us miss him. Even ~ or maybe especially ~ the kids. They talk about him all the time. Ian and I hear conversations about games they will play with him, things they will teach him, and ways they will comfort him when we first meet. I find myself more and more telling people I meet that I have four kids, (have to admit its kinda fun when they start counting kids with a look of wonder on their faces...) not that I will soon have four kids. Ian is contemplating finding a way to get both a bigger tub and a bigger bed to accommodate four children. We all just count him as part of the mix already.
I think I could best describe it by saying we are all longing for him to be home. It doesn't feel right without him here. Sometimes it makes me catch my breath as I realize that we just put away our spring/summer clothes and he likely won't be here until we pull them back out. We were talking about snow and making snowmen and snowdogs on a walk last night and it was painful to realize that any snow we have this year will mark time that we are missing with Daniel.
But don't let let the longing be confused with wishing time away. Because I know that our VERY BEST case scenario will have us traveling in early April. By then, my big girl will be five, my tiny dancer will be four, and my big boy will be four and a half. And those ages just seem so old. Between now and then there is learning to read (two of my three are right on the brink of figuring it out), celebrating Darcy's first Christmas at home, and maybe learning to ride a bike. I'm not ready to wish away this sweet time just yet.
It's a delicate dance to live in the here and now, all the while desperately longing to have our family complete. It looks a lot like happily checking off each milestone of progress toward Daniel while celebrating the 'growing up milestones' of our trio. It looks a lot like tearing up with joy each time we get new pictures or reports while making sure to capture the images and accomplishments happening here each day . It looks a lot like wishing for that elusive (because it is imaginary) "fast pass" to go bring our boy home today while still wanting to slow time down before Ky heads off to kindergarten. And it looks a lot like loving the heck out of the kids that are here today, all the while longing for Daniel to be part of the here and now...
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Today is Orphan Sunday, and many participating in Sunday Snapshots may be writing about what their churches did to recognize the day. To get a glimpse, check out
18 comments:
Aww, I cannot imagine but oh how I love to read about it on your blog! You do have FOUR beautiful children and I can feel your love for them through your words.
Can't help but have tears in my eyes, reading your post, and seeing your photos...Very precious!
It's just so clear that Daniel is going to be the most perfect addition to your family. He just "fits", you know? Living in the moment IS so hard when there is a family member missing, but you are SO right about it being important to do!! :)
Awww....so sweet
and I can relate to those feelings of balancing the future dreams with the present reality. The wonderful promise is that soon there will be no more separate pictures, your heart will not be in two places. You will ALL be together under one roof and THAT will be a glorious day! I, for one, cannot WAIT to see that little sweet heart in with your adorable crew!
Awww, Kristi!! I wish I could give you a big (((HUG))) right now! I know that feeling well and there's not much that helps it. New pics help but still doesn't quiet that longing and aching to hold your child. Hang in there sweet friend, because, as you said, the time will come and you WILL hold him and he WILL be in your pictures and it WILL come in God's perfect timing!!!!
I love it when you write from the heart. How right you are to cherish the time with the three that are in the frame right now. And yet still be hopeful of all that awaits when your party of 6 is all together!
Do you know how many times I have to stop myself from saying I have five kids? :)
And knowing that by the time I will even see her face my oldest will be graduated and Caroline will be in school just kills me.
You're right...it's a delicate balance to enjoy the moment and long for what's to come.
I'm so thankful for hearts like yours that understand. I know how hard it must be to see that little face and not have him with you.
Such a great post....although we have only done one adoption I would think that "longing" gets harder every time...knowing how great it is on the other side, for everyone involved. Great outlook on soaking up each day and yet counting the days when your four littles are all together...
Oh little Daniel Aunt Cici can't wait to meet you! Niether can cousin Maylin and Pierson. they are excited to have a new cousin!
I know exactly how you feel. But I think that the longing you feel is God's way of making sure that we recognize what a wonderful gift he gives when he gives us children. If it were easy or quick, we wouldn't appreciate them nearly as much. But, that still doesn't make it very much fun, does it??
I can't wait until he's home!!! Enjoy your little ones, it was weird to see Kylie will be 5 when Daniel comes home! EEK!
What a balancing act. God will undergird your family. He will help all of us who are also longing for Daniel to be with the five of you to make the wonderful
"6".
Oh..the longing to hold you sweet little boy. I remember those days and though the wait was long you and I both know that the wait is sooo worth it. Love that the littles are already planning on how to include Daniel in all that they do. They are such a great little bunch...3 peas ready to make room for the 4th pea in the pod :)
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Jenn
Such sweet children! You're a great parent.
I can not imagine how hard it must be to look at that sweet face & having to wait...It was hard enough just 3 months between Anne Marie's referral & being in China with her. Just know we're all praying that day comes very soon for you & your heart is comforted during the wait!
How great to have new pics! Such a blessing during the wait. Excited for you to have all your babies home.
Well said. I can't wait to get my hands on little Daniel!! He is just yummy!
Daniel is a dollface! And I know how hard it is to wait and wait and wait. Even though you know he is being loved on right now - he needs to be loved on by his mommy!!
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