Until...

Lots of people know that heights make my knees wobble (yeah, and I like to rock climb ~ go figure). Even more know that my fear of snakes renders me helpless at times. But very few know my biggest (earthly) fear, the dark. No, I'm not scared of the dark in my own house, or in my mom's, but in unfamiliar places I'm terrified ~ it relates to an unfortunate childhood incident, but right now "the why" isn't the point.

As I'm getting older I'm dealing with that fear. What I've found has been interesting. Before I tried to take things into my own hands. Anytime I found myself standing in the dark in unfamiliar territory, I'd try to run to "safety." And while it may have gotten me to a "safe spot" (think in a bed under covers or in the corner of a couch with my back to the wall) quickly, it also brought about an elevated heart rate and at best a collection of bruises as I ran. That method even earned me a broken toe as I crashed into a tree stump in the woods when I was on Outward Bound.

But these days I've found a better method. It doesn't call for immediate action. Quite the contrary, it demands that I put my self reliance aside and wait. Don't get me wrong, taking matters out of my own hands requires every bit of self control that I have, but I've found that waiting for my eyes to adjust prevents the painful side effects of my own efforts. After I stop trying to solve the problem myself I suddenly have clarity in front of me and realize that the shadows that were so frightening just minutes before are simply pieces of furniture or trees.

Nice story, huh? So what does that have to do with anything in our family life?

In a word, EVERYTHING.

A combination of books, sermons that I've heard recently, and conversations with other like minded folks have had my head spinning. For some time the difference between the "haves" and the "have nots" has bothered me. And then it began to really trouble me. And recently (when I came to the full realization that I spend more on groceries in one year than many who WORK HARD in third world countries will make in a decade) it has become part of my reality. A friend of mine summed it up recently when he posted on his Facebook status, "all my problems are what (wife's name) calls "high class" problems. i'm ridiculously blessed in many ways." (By the way, he and his wife are some of those like minded folks that have us thinking hard...)

Luckily Ian and I are on the same page and we see a challenge before us. We know that the plight of orphaned children around the world has become our reality, and that before long our lives will look different. Frustratingly, neither of us can yet fully see exactly how God plans to use us ~ what the life change looks like ~ but we know that the change is there.

Don't get me wrong, there is the practical me that says, "God never allowed me to become pregnant because He knew my babies were in China. He must mean for me to be the best mother I can possibly be to my three (possibly more one day) babies." With the issues of health care, education, and other daily comforts that we'd possibly miss, maybe I'm to "bloom where I'm planted, after all, not everyone is called to go overseas into the mission field." It would be so easy just to continue along with my middle class life, ignoring the injustices in the world while I "take care of my own." But that isn't at all what I want to do. This conviction that keeps me awake at night deserves, no, make that DEMANDS attention. I do NOT want to become complacent.

So we search for our next step.

The old me would be charging off to what seems to be the obvious. After all, we are drawn to orphans, so our role must be moving somewhere to work with them daily. But instead of running blindly in the direction that we think we are to take, we'll be standing still in the darkness, waiting for God's light to shine on the answer that is just before us ~ at this time still unclear, but soon to be revealed.

And as we wait, we'll be spending a lot of time in prayer, waiting for God to reveal His plan for our lives as it relates to orphans, but also asking for direction as we wait. Right now He has made it clear that being in the "now" for the children He has entrusted to us is paramount. And that bringing Darcy home is another priority.

We yearn to focus on what comes next. What is God calling us to? Because when I eventually make it home, I long to hear from him, "Well done my good and faithful servant..." Matthew 25:21