I'm putting it out there

So I feel like I have to be completely honest even if the truth is a little ugly. I have hesitated to write on this topic because I was afraid that I'd sound like a bad person. But I find that honesty often helps someone else going through the same struggle, so here it goes...

I've been under a mountain of stress lately ~ that I suppose is no secret. Ian is and has been working 12+ hour days right now to make a deadline for work that must be complete before we head to China. So that left me with the final responsibilities of getting the Charlotte house ready to put on the market and packing for the move. (I'm not trying garner sympathy here, just putting out the facts). Some days in Charlotte with Ian here in at his new job were tougher than others and often I'd sit and hold my child who was crying for her daddy as tears rolled down my own face. My temper was short and my emotions were on empty. I was chalking it up to the pressure of completing what seemed to be an impossible task.

I had a break from it Saturday and Sunday as folks turned out in huge numbers to help organize the new house and then we took a MUCH needed day of rest to be a family on Sunday, but Monday the pressure was back on. I tried to tell myself that getting the house ready for market and moving were past and I should be relaxing now, but it wasn't working. Yesterday morning when Kylie woke up early (I was hoping to get a lot done while she slept late) I was just about at my breaking point. So I frantically set out to finish putting stuff away, sitting Kylie down in front of her Ni Hao Kai Lan DVD and trying to get her out of my hair so I could get busy. While she was whining to be held and I as pushing her away saying that I just needed to work for a few minutes and then I could hold her, I began to realize what the problem really was. I've been in a state of mourning the end of the special time Kylie and I have together as just Mommy and daughter. I've resented that these last few weeks of having just one child to lavish attention on have been full of cleaning, boxes, and phone calls to make sure things are lined up. In the name of getting ready, I've been pushing away the person that I've most wanted to cuddle! I've been just like Martha in the story of Mary, Martha, and Jesus. The realization of that hit me like a ton of bricks!

Just at the moment that I wanted to break down and sob, a dear "lifetime" friend of mine called and let me pour out my heart. I told her exactly how I felt and that I felt like I must not deserve to be Caleb's mommy if I'm sad that having Kylie as an "only" is almost over. She let me know that I'm not the only mom to have ever felt that way and validated my love for both of my kids. And shortly after I got off the phone with her, I talked to yet another dear friend who told me she spent some time in tears holding her daughter wondering if she had done the right thing to bring another child into the family. Those conversations combined with the prayers that many of you have commented that you've been lifting up for me created a turning point!

And then the preparations for our upcoming trip and finishing organizing the house became joyful instead of drudgery! I've found that I can stop every now and then for 30 minutes or so to enjoy my sweet girl! The work is getting done and I'm spending some quality time with Kylie. 2000 pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you for praying, and thank you Heavenly Father for making my heart sing again!


Nancy said...

{{ Hugs! }}

Anonymous said...

My precious girl. I felt the same way when right before I had your can I ever love another like I love the first? Well, God has His miraculous way of filling you with more love for each than you could ever imagine.
You are not "bad" you are very "normal".

You have been under so much stress and it delights my heart to watch as you turn it all over to God and see how you recognize His interventions.

I have prayed constantly for the three of you. Know that God will have a big breakthrough for Ian and allow him to get this project finished on time. Trust that you will stop and take all of the time that you and Kylie need for each other. Wish I was closer and could be there to fill in some of the love.

Miss the three of you terribly but know that you are right where you need to be - in the arms of God. This has been shown to be His plan for your lives for now.

By the way, I love the new blog design. What a thrill to see our little Caleb there with Kylie!

Love, LaoLao

Anonymous said...

Remember how I told you I cried every time I looked @ Anah before Sera was born. I understand the overwhelming love you feel for Kylie, but trust me, God can multiply it. Just imagine how big His love is and He made us in His image. In no time, you will be wondering how you, Ian, and Kylie ever had life without Caleb. Until then, put off the "stuff." None of it matters. Enjoy the good times with your family. The tasks that come with daily life are not as precious as your time w/your kid(s). A clean, organized house will come one day. As a matter of fact, I am still waiting on mine....


Nicole said...

Oh Kristi,
It is hard enough adding another child to the mix, never mind moving and preparing for a trip to China! All of your emotions are totally understandable. If it makes you feel better, you have those same type thoughts every time another child is added to the family. There is the one that is the baby before the next, it's hard, but it works, you'll see. You will be a wonderful mommy to both Kylie and Caleb!! I just know it, sending cyber hugs your way!!

Our Journey said...

I can't say I know how you feel, but I've had plenty of friends that have said the same thing. It's hard to think about doubling your time/love/heart--you're such a faithful person, I'm sure God will bring it all together for the 4 of you! Looking forward to seeing your family grow!!

Cindy M said...

Oh, you are SO normal, girl. It's a part of the journey in growing your family. It's always hard to share your time amongst your children...try it FOUR ways with teenagers running one way and little Miss C. running the other way...and we won't even talk about what direction the boy is running...but it's NEVER hard to share your love. You will just be amazed at how you can love another child so deeply!

Much love from the Martens...

The Majors said...

Kristi - thank you so much for all your beautiful comments on our blog as we have met our new daughter. In the midst of your chaos at home, you have brought us much peace! We look forward to following your adventure to your sweet son! Sheri

Kathy said...

Thank you for helping me understand how hard the last few weeks have been for you. You are so wise and sensitive. I'm grateful that friends have been available to you when you most needed them.
Love, Kathy